it begins to tell 'round midnight, or 3am.

lately i been getting back into one of my chronic habits that i dont want to keep, a tendency to stay awake for no particular reason into the edge of nighttime. i think i been up til about 3am either wide awake or half gone out my mind from the lack of sleep for the past 3 days. yeah, this needs to stop. a brotha got to have his handsome rest (stop laughing chrissy).

i dont know what it is, but all i know is at the moment... well, for the past 2 weeks, i been missing my sunshine. his phone been cut off for about 2 weeks + thats was our main, if not only, means of communication. he can still receive texts from people, but he cant respond, + he cant send or receive calls. so i end up texting one sided conversations to him. + yeah i know, why dont i email him? facebook? myspace? twitter? *laughs* well, he only got access to the internet while he at school so that is just as good as his phone right now. im used to hearing his voice several times thoughout the day + just hearing the guy smile over the phone. now its been about 51 hours since the last time i heard him. yeah, i count stuff like that. thats what a lonely heart like mine do sometimes... im about to drift. night night.

-soulfully yours, peace+luv 4eva, the 3rd tWin

"but i'm going on..." i got to...

"I’ve seen it with my own eyes
How we’re gettin’ otherwise
Without the luxury of leavin’
The touch and feeling of free is
Untangible technically
Something you’ve got to believe in
Connect the cause and effect
One foot in front of the next
This is the start of a journey.
And my mind is already gone
And though there are other unknowns
Somehow this doesn’t concern me.

And you can stand right there if you want
But I’m going on
And I’m prepared to go it alone
I’m going on
To a place in the sun that’s nice and warm
I’m going on

And I’m sure they’ll have a place for you too..."

"going on"|gnarls barkley

ever since i heard this song, i have added it to my personal life soundtrack. i also brought it as a ringtone. so if you stand near while someone is calling me, you probably heard these lyrics pulsating out my pockets. i love this song so much because it constantly reminds me of my passions, my loves. the dreams + hopes + wishes i wrote about or whispered in my head to myself. it reminds me that they are actually something i can obtain, it can be my actaulity. it can be my life. i just got to strive for it.

i remember a quote that said "A journey of a thousand leagues must begins with a single step." i understand + believe that. now theres another that talked of how "the first step is the hardest." in my case + with my experiences, its the 3rd or 4th or 5th step that trips me up. for instance, i been wanting to be a better dancer, more stronger, more cleaner, more versitile, more skillful- i desire to be the best i can be. i been making that 1st step, going to classes, asking for help, practicing + perfecting. but along the line somewhere, i always fall off track. i start to miss class, forget about practicing on my own, + i always end up not having time to continue on. its almost as if i have to give up at times to either issues beyond my control or to my own weak focus. im trying hard not to blame it on a fluttery "gemini complex", but i dont know.

all im sure of is today, at this moment, i got to shift. i have to grow. my hopes are getting to the point where i cant deny it + dont want to keep thinking about how life could be. i got to make this happen...

-soulfully yours, peace+luv 4eva, the 3rd tWin