it begins to tell 'round midnight, or 3am.

lately i been getting back into one of my chronic habits that i dont want to keep, a tendency to stay awake for no particular reason into the edge of nighttime. i think i been up til about 3am either wide awake or half gone out my mind from the lack of sleep for the past 3 days. yeah, this needs to stop. a brotha got to have his handsome rest (stop laughing chrissy).

i dont know what it is, but all i know is at the moment... well, for the past 2 weeks, i been missing my sunshine. his phone been cut off for about 2 weeks + thats was our main, if not only, means of communication. he can still receive texts from people, but he cant respond, + he cant send or receive calls. so i end up texting one sided conversations to him. + yeah i know, why dont i email him? facebook? myspace? twitter? *laughs* well, he only got access to the internet while he at school so that is just as good as his phone right now. im used to hearing his voice several times thoughout the day + just hearing the guy smile over the phone. now its been about 51 hours since the last time i heard him. yeah, i count stuff like that. thats what a lonely heart like mine do sometimes... im about to drift. night night.

-soulfully yours, peace+luv 4eva, the 3rd tWin

"but i'm going on..." i got to...

"I’ve seen it with my own eyes
How we’re gettin’ otherwise
Without the luxury of leavin’
The touch and feeling of free is
Untangible technically
Something you’ve got to believe in
Connect the cause and effect
One foot in front of the next
This is the start of a journey.
And my mind is already gone
And though there are other unknowns
Somehow this doesn’t concern me.

And you can stand right there if you want
But I’m going on
And I’m prepared to go it alone
I’m going on
To a place in the sun that’s nice and warm
I’m going on

And I’m sure they’ll have a place for you too..."

"going on"|gnarls barkley

ever since i heard this song, i have added it to my personal life soundtrack. i also brought it as a ringtone. so if you stand near while someone is calling me, you probably heard these lyrics pulsating out my pockets. i love this song so much because it constantly reminds me of my passions, my loves. the dreams + hopes + wishes i wrote about or whispered in my head to myself. it reminds me that they are actually something i can obtain, it can be my actaulity. it can be my life. i just got to strive for it.

i remember a quote that said "A journey of a thousand leagues must begins with a single step." i understand + believe that. now theres another that talked of how "the first step is the hardest." in my case + with my experiences, its the 3rd or 4th or 5th step that trips me up. for instance, i been wanting to be a better dancer, more stronger, more cleaner, more versitile, more skillful- i desire to be the best i can be. i been making that 1st step, going to classes, asking for help, practicing + perfecting. but along the line somewhere, i always fall off track. i start to miss class, forget about practicing on my own, + i always end up not having time to continue on. its almost as if i have to give up at times to either issues beyond my control or to my own weak focus. im trying hard not to blame it on a fluttery "gemini complex", but i dont know.

all im sure of is today, at this moment, i got to shift. i have to grow. my hopes are getting to the point where i cant deny it + dont want to keep thinking about how life could be. i got to make this happen...

-soulfully yours, peace+luv 4eva, the 3rd tWin

sweet bitter thrill

sweet bitter thrill


In less than 6 hours,
I proven how insane I could be
To throw caution to the side +
Fling through corkscrews, loops, + dives.
Hands up, eyes wide bright,
Yelling with all the power + joy
Of a coaster junkie wild child
That’s surrendering himself into the rush willingly.
Let the butterflies fly free from my stomach
To the top of my lungs as I watch the earth above me
Spin out of my control.
Ponder if this lap bar can keep my twig of a body
From being hurled mercilessly from the train
Into the roof of a Florida skyline
+ plummet 120mph into the next door water park.

That would be the fyeness.
They should make a ride like that.

I live for the tinge + how it crinkles up my blood
Right when the coaster car tilts towards the lake’s surface
+ catapults over the awing eyes of fellow thrill seekers,
Bag holders, Chicken Georges +Georginas,
Probably thinking “Who is that screaming like Mariah Carey?”

I have a high pitched manly shrill, that’s all.

Yes, take me to flight.
Dangle me over 250ft of track.
Slam me without care until I can’t feel the electric pull of my
Arm hairs standing in unbelievable shock.
Thrill me baby, rock me to a nirvana of adrenaline
Because in those short 6 hours,
I drifted to a sweetest high.

+ later that same evening,
After 36 minutes + 15 seconds
I realized how weak I could be
To shatter my face + let my heart flow a stream of lonely tears
At the understanding that I had to repeat those words on the phone again.
“I miss ya baby.
Good night.
I’ll see ya sooner than lada.
Go ahead + dream.
I’ll meet ya there real soon…”

Then you reply with words of your stretched out, longing arms
+ a bittersweet farewell as well as
A promise that I’ll hear your voice again in the light of the next day.

I couldn’t find the strength to push the END button.
I didn’t want to go through another night apart by hours,
Separated by state lines + measures of days + days + days
Turning into endless text questioning of
“wha ya up 2?”, “how work goin?”, “havin a great time?”.
But none beat the scariest three words I come to
Close my eyes when it comes to spill across my tongue…

“I miss ya“
After we pick “ennie mennie, minnie moe” choose a spot +
Off we go to some random adventurous sightseeing.
“I miss ya”
After we done ventured out through city streets
Under electric starriness to the pulse of Atlanta nightlife.
“I miss ya”
After we explored trails along the hills, cuddled on sides of
Bridges + water fountains, under trees + on benches.
“I miss ya”
After we re-remember how so sublime it feels when we
Come together at the finger tips + tender lips + passionate hips.
“I miss ya”
After you nearly had me on the brink of fulfilling my goal of
Going streaking through the Olympic water fountain rings.
“I miss ya”
After I tingle in my cheeks at the snug hum of you singing
“…still there’s no place I’d rather be, cuz nothing really matters to me…”
“I miss ya”
After I take another look at your picture + imagine back to the
Another evening I was granted a chance to look into your eyes,
Even if it was for such a short time.
Every little thrill lasts such a short time
+ I dread how this bliss could be so cruel,
Toy with my eyes this thought of pure forever in pleasure
Only to blink +see its time to leave you.
“I miss ya”
After all been joked + said over phone lines
+ the lone company of silence we keep while afar starts to converse
of the good times only us 2 can birth within each others’ presence.

Yes, I feel so good when you just stand in front of me
+ I can speechlessly look at God through you.
To be in the same space as you is an intense zero g
Weightless effect for what going on for near seamless moments
But damnit for having to come back down to earth…

+ that’s why I live for the rush of you baby
Because after those 36 minutes + 15 seconds on the phone
+ another extra 4 minutes + 19 seconds after I called back to
Hear your voice 1 more time,
The excitement will subside
+ a thrill junkie like me just can’t survive on down time for so long.

072-52-009|dWjb

dream vacay, thrills hurray!, + a lover away...

there is something about orlando that holds a dear place in my heart. my auntie has a time share down there in florida + my family been taking trips down there every summer ever since i was a little boy. each time we visited, i would always get this sense of magic + wonder. it would start while im riding down the road, looking out the rental van at the flying clouds exploring the open blue sky. the anticipation bubble up as we would drive past billboards of new attractions to see. my eyes would take in everything as i munch on the fried lemon pepper chicken my grandma would make us for the ride down. then, when we arrive at westgate, our time share, it just clicks that i escaped from my normal- well, kinda normal life. im back to being a giddy 10 year old again. the grin effortlessly appears on my face, i lose my worries + just think "... YAAAYYYY!!!!!" lol

really, i love orlando + im thankful that i been able to experience it with my family. God knows i have too many memories i can recount on the rediculious- naw, redunkulious crazyness my family goes through. + of course, this year has not been nothing short of zany. me, my mom + sis, my 2 little cousins, my auntie, + miss nancy, a friend of the family, has been tripping + wilding out all over the place.

oh, another reason i love orlando: THE BOMB-ASS THEME PARKS!!! ohjeezy, a roller coaster lover's dreamscape, i swear i could get orgasms from the rides down here. this year, we went to sea world which has the brand new flying roller coaster, manta. on a flying roller coaster, you get in seats where the harness holds your chest + legs comfrotablely as ya ride beneath the track. you feel as if your are literally flying through the sky. the fyeness!!!

oh, if you ever went to six flags over georgia + rode the superman: ultimate flight ride... ohmyjeez. manta kicks superman's ass.

1st, the themeing was on point. while you are waiting to board, you get to see a variety of stingrays, manta rays, + other kinds of tropical fish. then the ride itself... man, it was crazy! me + my cousins were screaming our butts off. lol here's a view of the ride.



...the fyeness.

anyway, i really been enjoying myself down here. well, except 1 thing. today is me + my baby's 1st month anniversary + we 6 hours away from each other... *frowns a little* we been missing each other much. its strange how we keep thinking about each other so much more as our distance apart is farther. guess absence do make the heart go fonder. all i know is that im about to celebrate with my lovely when i get back to decatur.

well, im about to get back to the activities. i got to cherish these moments before i be back trapped in my kiosk. lol i wonder, did you or will you go on vacation this year? if you havent or not going to yet, what would be your dream vacation? where would you go? who will you bring with you? what will you see? let a brotha know so i can start planning my travels for next year! lol lada days, wish you were here!


soulfully yours, peace+luv 4eva, the 3rd tWin

dreaming after waking

dreaming after waking

i woke up to sunbeans flowing through my window, + i swore my 1st thought was that your warm smile was rising beside me. how i opened my eyes + parted my lips in sweet joy, feeling glowy, star special, so schoolboy giddy. im trippin', but i love it how i walked to the kitichen for my rice krispies + immediately tasted the apple pie on your breath from the other night + almost dropped my milk.

im somewhere inbetween my place + here with an sunni anjel in a memory where its always raining but i never feel a frosty chill. i just keep wandering back into the ease of your eyes + lose myself into an alternative groove, somewhere where i run into traces of your presense + your hand in mine are felt even closer... + im holding myself tighter in my empty room as i read your texts... + im thinking when will be the next time i wont wake up alone + still be dreaming of you...

071-52-009|dWjb

texting random thoughts.

ever since i upgraded + got me a new phone in june, i been typing- texting- whatever; i been putting down little random thoughts in my notepad. some are sweet + simple:

if ya r an inch away from the bus stop, the bus driver will believe ya 2b non-existin + zoom pass ya wavin hands.

its sad almost everyone thought ciara look ridiculious on the bet awards, sounded out of tune, + was confused at who she was at the beginnin of her performace. sadder tha i agree. well, she tried.

others are a little more close to home with experiences of myself + my friends:

i wonder if anyone else undastands we all hurt + tha maybe we r dealin w/ the weight of our own baggage.

im grinnin uncontrollably + it was from the simple whisper of ya name crossin my mind...

there has been 1 in particular that i keep coming back to on several different moments because it feels so true. at least, in reference to myself:

...the words we give each otha r mostly 4 our own usage, yet the easiest advice 2 give is the hardest 4 ourselves 2 follow.

i want to know have anyone else felt that way? you talk to a friend, a family member, a stranger, a puppy, whoever or whatever in the world you communicated with; you let them know how you feel about their situation/action/feelings/thoughts/wishes + in the back of your head you say to yourself "i need someone to tell these words to me". you reflect back on your experiences + wonder if you should take a step in a new direction or caution yourself from something troublesome. i wonder also, had you ever NOT follow your own advise + wish you did? let your random thoughts fly...

-soulfully yours, peace+luv 4eva, the 3rd tWin

lettin' go!... on my way to work. ugh.

i just woke up a while ago with the sunlight reaching through my window + brushing my cheek lightly. i took a look outside + the scene looked so inviting: an open blue sky with skims of clouds swimming above + the birds flying from trees to flowers over streams of concrete + steel cars. i was ready to explore. my skin was craving to feel the daylight envelope me in its warmth. i was ready.

but then i remembered that i had to wash + iron my clothes so i can get to the bus stop in time to start my 1 1/2 hour commute to work where i stay enslaved, standing in a 10x10ft circular kiosk for hours at a time selling $200 sunglasses to people who demands a 80% discount, trys on every pair in the store then decides to "think about it" + never return, or have faces that are "rilpey's believe it or not!" worthy. ohthejoy. ahh well, guess thats how it goes for the moment. would be nice to pretend today that work was just some old boring high school class you coud easily skip from, but i know better. my hours will count on that check i will be getting so... where's my tie + my black dress socks? i gotta get a move on.

but for the ferris bueller in me + anyone else that rather not go to work today, this song is for us...


-soulfuly yours, peace+luv 4eva, the 3rd tWin

just a few little bitty changes.

salutations! naw, i never left. just the usual 2 million years absense due to busyness + lazyness. but things have been happenning. a lot. lets see if i can give out a quick update...

• i been blessed to find not just 1, not just 2, but 3 JOBS. im a sign spinner (go youtube if you have no idea what it is. the best way to understand it is to see it.), a survey analysis recruiter/interveiwer (basically, im 1 of those annoying people that stop you in the mall to give ya a survey.), + i am a sales associate at sunglass hut international (need those new prada aviators or those chanel shields? i got ya!). so needless to say, i offically now have an income. I AINT BROKE NO MORE!!! *smiles*
• i really gotten a sense of my spirituality these past months. + its kinda crazy because... well, thats a long story for another day but to cut it short (+ im trying chrissy, im trying!! *laughs*), my past with religion been one with struggle + confusion + hurt. but im starting to understand. i been happier than i have been completely with Him for a long while. its deep. again, long story for another day.
• i turned 22 on june the 8th. whoo! i didnt do much that particular day (i actually worked), but for some reason the whole month of june felt like a celebration to me. from trips to florida to just riding the train on a sunny day, im so thankful i been able to experience all these wonderful things. oh + yeah. i did it. i went to a mc donalds + climbed my ass all up + through the playpen. 22 years old + i still act like im 12. gotta love it.
• i never planned on it happenning, but im back in a relationship. + its been a wonderful 13 days so far- yeah, we do week anniversaries! *laughs* we both are big old kids enjoying our time + company together. im thankful for my "anjel".

thats most of the big things things thats been going on. of course there are some moments inbetween (trip to ft. pirece, fl, buying condoms for my 15 year old cousin, my auntie naye naye's 80s themed party where some big 35 year old lady was bouncing in a split, falling asleep on the train, gettin hit on by random white girls at the mall, me almost throwing a rack at a customer, making midnight trips to quik trip for shushies, dancing all night + all day, running through fountains, watching my other sister out-do my mom in doing the "stanky leg" properly, having random people throw objects at me, conversing about the importance of pretty underwear, court citations, people losing money + ids repecitiously, death sprinting around atlanta...), + all of these times just makes life more interesing each day. what a crazy/beautiful wonderful world.

-soulfully yours, peace+luv 4eva, the 3rd tWin

im gonna hope i do something big like its 2009.

wow... i aint been on here for a little while. i would say that its because i been uber busy running, chuckling, + grinning from one thing to the next. i really would because in a way its true. so much has went down since mid-december, but jeez i know the dealio. my lazy bum self just hasnt got on here + typed my heart out. maybe its the kick-back, lay-back holiday effect on me... naw, im just a lazy bum at times + thats got to cease this year.

you know where this is about to lead to. yeah, yeah its new years. well, 9 days past of new years, but we in the new year none the less + mostly everyone is all on the whole "its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me" state of mind (excuse me if i got the lyrics mixed up. i love that song though.). i sort of gave up on that whole idea of a brand spanking new year brings forth the magical power of simple, constant growth + easy, simple change. just because we switch that last yearly digit up one notch does not mean that everything will be different + new under the sun. some things dont change overnight or over years. well, at least not with just new year hopes alone.

even though i do bump away the thought of making resolutions, i am dreaming for some changes. the list in my brain is miles long + world wide believe me, + most of it is me. i still need to sit down + actually write it out, but i havent done it yet because either my mind is shooting off of 8 different thoughts at once or my body is moving to 3 places at once or IM JUST FRICKIN' LAZY AT TIMES!!! yeah, something must be done because i know that there is more to my life than where im at right now. i can literally see that shit clear as the letters on my keyboard. well, dont count the Q button, theres some gunk on there. i need to scratch off. ewww... umm anyway, i need a change from this cycle i been circling around for ages + i guess thats why that one midnight 9 nights ago seem so promising to me + a billion more. it says thats we starting anew, its a clean canvas to etch the view of our lives however we want to. i just need to pick up my freaking brushes + paint instead of letting it gather dust. lol well, heres the the new year.

oh crap yeah. dont laugh, but happy belated holidays, merry belated birthdays, happy prelated mlk day in case i miss it + it be belated, happy belated new years- wait, does that even makes sense? oh whatever. happy happy joy joy yall. lol

soulfully yours, peace+luv 4eva, the 3rd tWin